Ah...life.

There are several drafted posts I have meaning to edit and send out into the stratosphere...but I haven't. Maybe I will maybe I won't, but I'd much rather write and think optimistically, since that seems to be the real obstacle of it all. Truly, it's easy to complain and it feels good and don't get me wrong--haha...totally stealing that phrase from lady orchid--but anyway, complaints have their place. But now, at least for me, it's time to send those hard feelings down the river. I can never ever forget-mostly because I am a female. Sorry guys, we just don't ever forget anything. But I can certainly forgive and work towards greater understanding. The bitterness had been mostly to do with coming to terms with the fact that sometimes, you put your all your efforts into something or other people, and never get anything in return. Or even worse, you find that someone's capacity to give to you just simply runs out. That's honestly okay because it hurts, but it doesn't hurt forever. The only bad part, is that if enough let downs occur, you may become completely cynical. You come to a crossroads and begin asking yourself, "Why give at all?" Why do I care? Is this worth mending? I am not only speaking of certain friends. I am speeking of academic life, professors, doctors, people at the bank. As you grow older and simply have more shit to deal with, You soon learn that other people are equally caught up in their shit and are more often than not, unwilling to go the extra mile for anyone else. There is still hope though. You know why? Well for one, as the stream of positive and helpful resources begins to narrow, it becomes much easier to focus in on what really matters, and the people who are making the right impact on you right now. The other day I was in target. I was so completely out of it, probably caught up in these thoughts. There standing in line, an old friend walked up to me. I didn't even know it was him until he reached out to touch me. I normally spot a familiar face from miles away and react eagerly and happily. This time I didn't. It was so odd and unlike me. Me and this guy go back... he's a real good friend. He's hilarious and he listens. He may even know that I am speaking of him if he reads this. Pah...dear friend, I'm so sorry for not having reached out to grab you and smile in our chance meeting. That is what I should have done. You are rare and wonderful and I love seeing all the places you are going...watching your life as it unfolds. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I need to focus more on the good guys (and gals). The sounds, sights, and things that soothe me and add to me. The things that challenge me in productive ways. I've had a pretty high tolerance for b.s. throughout most of my existence. But again, as you realize that the people and things that are most worth having are so small and few, you just grab them with your hands and scooping them right out of the water, there isn't much room for anything else, and all the doesn't matter falls right through, and washes away down the stream. And that's okay. Its fine to let go of things. I am by no means saying that the past should be discarded. That's honestly impossible and pointless. You need the good and the bad of yesterday to figure out who you are today. Who knows, someone form the past may come back into your life, and things may resurface in an entirely new way. You should be open to that. I would hope that I can at least be open to so much. Who am I kidding, I know I am. While I do not forget how someone made me feel, especially if it was negative...I just as soon can be charmed by their goodness, again. As we move forward in our search for better things and good people, we should keep these things in mind I feel and find a sense of balance. We are becoming wiser and more knowlagable about the things that add to us, and we try to avoid those things that take a way. But hopefully, we don't get so caught up in running from ugliness and searching for truth that we loose faith all-together in that crazy world out there...because frankly, it's starting to scare the shit out of me. No, but in a good way. ;) love.

Mothers are Pinteresting

So 4 hours into studying neuro...I log into pinterest, initially in search of the most perfect mother's day breakfast idea. I have come up with a menu but before I say that let me say this. Sometimes you can search and search for what's truly inside of you and never get to the bottom of things. Like today, I was digging away like a maniac trying to un-earth what I thought to be the most humangeous rocks in the ground in order to make a space for my mother to plant her roses. And I failed. Then she 'tack,tacked-away' at the dirt, and with a few slight moves, the rocks seemed to slip right out. They turned out not to be boulders but mere pebbles in comparison to the difficulty I had imagined. I guess I am just full of faith lately...*rolls eyes.* Similarly, on evenings such as this, when deadlines are about the only thing on my mind, I sit away dreaming up of what life could be, or what it should be and at the end of the story...I'm still sitting in front of my neuroscience- and I've got nothing. Haven't learned a damn thing for I've been stuck on the same sentence for half and hour, nor have a made any breakthroughs in the meaning of my existence. It was at this point when I went searching for recipes. Clicking away I had now strayed far from the path and was onto beauty, jewelry, animals, words of wisdom, and finally, someone's link on "places to see before I die," and "If money was no object." There I came across this photo. Now, I don't know if it was the the water, the sunset, or the way I seemed to feel myself walking up the marble steps and into the light. Really, it's probably an average Caribbean destination photo to any other pair of eyes. But it just sucked me in for no particular reason. My spirit just walked into the scene in slow motion. Onto the ledge, body uncovered, yearning for the water before me. A lust for the horizon. And once everything got out of focus a little, I had a realization. It occurred to me, that the thing my spirit seems to cling to the most, is something that lies far beyond this life of mine. At least, it is something outside of my vivid imagination that carries me through the night as I sleep. Yes this was something apart from dreaming. Completely disconnected from those, "I want to be this, and I hope to do that," sensations. I want to say that my core felt this odd sense of relief in looking at this image, and possibly a slight yearning for salvation beyond life itself. I thought, here is a place I can go when all of this rush and fighting is over. I didn't hear a harmony of angels or see Jesus...I just felt this sensation of delight over being in a space of absolute quiet and purity. Somewhere to drown the lies and breathe in an un-polluted mist of free-flowing consciousness. And that is my ultimate dream really, I now realize. In this life and the next I guess. To surrender to those deeply-planted, yet-to-be discovered wishes and possibilities of my consciousness. To excavate those stones of my mind, as my mother did those rocks today. Perhaps they aren't hidden as deeply inside of me as I choose to believe. Tomorrow Menu: -Salmon, cream cheese and capers on a bagel -Broiled, brown sugar-topped grapefruit halve -Two eggs a top a tomato with seasoned herbs, baked to delight in a ramekin -A morning kiss, because she is the best -oh, and juice

What is your motto here?

 It is difficult sometimes to accept the goodness in our hearts, when our efforts seem to bare no fruit. But we musn't holdback that willingness to put our selves on the front lines, and risk our pride and being slandered for having been honest all the while. I listen to my horoscope, although I am ashamed to admit to partial belief- but I simply cannot ignore its accuracy, and today it said just this thing: In a perfect world the gifts you bring would be met with equal spirit, and your ecstatic flavor for life would not be ridiculed or taken for granted- but these hopes are not realistic, and this is something you must learn to live with. At once I feel understood and by hearing this fantasy I hear what I know to be true- you simply do what is right, and let it be, and laugh at the fools mocking you. Do I always get things right? Of course not. And I make some ridiculous mistakes along the way. But when I speak, I do so with sincerity, and for a lioness, astrologically, I surprisingly keep my pride at bay. I rhyme when I get passionate, forgive me- but lately I have been questioning humanity all together.Yes, as in "Oh the humanity!" That sort of way. As in, we musn't be truly humans at all, because animals treat each other far better. How can we live with putting each other down, when it sets us all back down the line anyhow? What is with this false sense of power that makes us so freakishly deaf to all the lessons we learned as children? Smile when someone smiles at you, and hold hands while crossing the street- all I see now are people pushing each other in them. It's times like these when I get so close to throwing it all right back in their faces. Tomorrow I shall refuse to help you my friend, you, who have no trouble managing just the same.

I will tell you why people do this. It is simply, path of least resistance. It is just too damn hard to look out for your brothers and sisters and maintain the sanctity of your soul. To look people in the eye, and listen without judgment and fear of giving away any kind of weakness. It's called self preservation, and I will be damned if I let it be my keeper. If it isn't in my best interest to share and live peacefully amongst others, then I may as well make an island of my body somewhere in the Pacific.


A monologue here, from Scent of Woman, describes my sentiments exactly ....
No, I'm Just Getting Warmed Up!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dH4p9BQ3V9o

Chicageee day 1

Peelings, I try to share my peelings.

Today was my first full day in Chicago. Absolutely wonderful. I realize now after traveling on my own to three places that mood and intention are everything, and nothing puts you in a better mood then positive energy. The friend I am visiting here is that positive energy for me and so much more. It's not a whirlwind excitement that makes you feel out of place and out of your body, but a calming, soothing wonderful thing to which cherishing just comes naturally without even trying. Lately I find that i must try to cherish things in my life- my good health, the situation with the career/school, my body, safety of my loved ones, the stars in the sky. All of this by passes me for futile reasons and inevitably leave me to believe that I deserve nothing of this beautiful world. What were are given is meant to be met with gratitude, and I do not always give so much. Instead I sit and wish for more power, more courage, thicker skin, better skin (literally), a new place, finer "things." All of these feelings have gone away today. The worth of a true friend stands above a diamond, a Prada bag, a penthouse. It's amazing, walking around downtown today, I could feel the greed of people, myself included as we walked through the revolving doors and into the shimmery establishments. I marveled at the chandeliers in forever XXI, and smelled the fortune steaming out of a burberry jacket, a jacket I much coveted. But my heart was only at it's highest height roaming through whole foods with my best confidant, and sitting beside her, people-watching on a bench in Evanston. There's much yet to see, but there's no major desire to fulfill, which feels great- my expectations have already been met, and exceeded.

Tarp face

Sitting on the couch with mom who is napping. Overslept don't know how many hours, recovering from being a useless extra. Well, not totally useless. Clapping and reacting to high-paid actors from 11am-10pm- it's not back-breaking work, but is is work. The temp-title for the film is "Steel Town" (how ironic for me). Do not ask me about the story because I have absolutely no clue. The bare bones is: school is failing, kids are getting picked based on a lottery system, school almost gets shut down when dyslexic mother and school teacher duo save the day. There's a pretty hot Puerto rican in there somewhere. I almost sat next to him but my "best friend," who is a man, had the honor instead!! Shit happens. Ah but so many energetic bodies running around. One assistant looked so much like Richard Dreyfus I almost went up to him singing Someone to Watch Over Me.
Highly bummed my face may be in one shot and probably out of focus becasue for two days I tortured it with make-up. Now due to a benzoyl peroxide cream, Oxy, what used to be an oily but soft face now feels like TARP!!! Tarp I say! Ah, hope it subsides soon because tomorrow, going to Chicageee!!!! Won't be no Calamity Jane that's for sure. Oy. At least my lovely lady will be there, waiting for me and I can't wait to see the beautiful city!

sO indecisive

Peelings, I try to share my peelings.
I have these 2 blogs and of course I cannot remember why I initially made 2. There was probably some well thought-out reasoning behind it but...clearly it wasn't anything special since I find myself saying, "Ok, which do I blog on today? Now, after all these months of not blogging." But who gives a shit anyway no one reads this anyway. Ok. S0 every summer has a theme. This summer is the summer of awesome jobs.
Last weekend I worked with one of the coolest guy's on the planet- Jimmy Grashaw. An artist from Brooklyn, I had the honor of assisting Jimmy with his craft booth-creating 3d, huge, exciting cardboard fish for children to paint and display in Sunday's grad parade. :) It was a bomb time. At first I laughed when Jim told me about the sensual quality of cardboard. But, after playing around and getting more comfortable with the media, I could see why he enjoyed it so much. It just smelled wonderful too. Ah, and I met the sweeeeetest family from NJ. A trio of artists, Sandra Baquero fashion designer and her husband and little girl. I got the second privilege of looking after their daughter at our fish booth. Boy could this girl paint and she had a true knack for creating bright, wonderful colors for people to use on their fish. We made a fabulous octopus together as well. A lady octopus in fact with big red lips! The festival really helped bring me back down to Earth from, I have no idea...wherever it is I have been lately. The breakup and weeks prior have felt like a slow re-awakening. Sort of a daunting one as well. Breaking up is hard to do, as the song says. It has left me a little displaced and re-discovered at the same time. Mainly, I feel like I can work on me a little with is good. Just clear the air and hopefully get rid of all this stress acne. My face is horrid!! I can't describe. I'm fairly sure it is at a stage III level. Here is the new crazy regiment that I have implemented to hopefully clear it up. It's totally organic so it cannot hurt:
Face wash blend: Palm-glob of honey, cetaphil, tea tree oil (wash n rinse)
Astringent blend: Witchhazel & lemon juice (which I forget to do tonight! crap)
Cream: tea tree oil cream

Then, once a week: homeade face max: green clay, tea tree oil, oatmeal, lemon juice.

We shall see folks. I'd roll my eyes at the above too. But, I'm desperate.

Ah. Today while cleanin' the kitchen I was dancing around to Jimmy Mack radio on Pandora. I'm so happy to have met Jim. He re-introduced me to so many great songs from the 60s. When this really great song by Peter Paul & Mary came on, I said "Wow, what a lovely song." Then Jim went, "Yea Mary, she was a good friend of mine." Crazy right? Yep.

I feel so lucky to be here with my Phoebe. Well she isn't really MINE- I wish. My lovely neighbor, I am dogsitting for her. It feels criminal almost to get paid to spend time with this lovely lady of a dog :) A golden too. My favorite! Ok enough now. I am going to do some collaging, decoupage, mod podge w/e you call it. And then of course watch some of my Turkish series, 1001 night with Seherezad!!!!!! <33333

night!

harmony is dead....sorta

Peelings, I try to share my peelings.

note: 2AM CLUB is coool


hm so yea the community choir quasi stole the music clubs name "chatham community choir voices of harmony"
......balh.
and we are Harmony,the musical society of chatham

so something inspiring...doesn't have to be musical

Gliss (as in glissando) sliding between 2 notes

Slide Music Club

Listen

Sonic

Gala- gathering, celebratory

nocturne


Audi

limerance

symph

apollo- god of music

desire, expression, expressivo a serenade for the soul, expressando, nerve 8, Number Eight, EIGHT. Music is Magical like the
galaxy. Aquarius "let the sun shine in" Apogee

Celesta- instument, and heavenly body
accord- means harmony , agreement, mutual understanding

Achord Music Club

Sol-sun-central power

Sol Music Club

Lumendo
luminate