So 4 hours into studying neuro...I log into pinterest, initially in search of the most perfect mother's day breakfast idea. I have come up with a menu but before I say that let me say this. Sometimes you can search and search for what's truly inside of you and never get to the bottom of things. Like today, I was digging away like a maniac trying to un-earth what I thought to be the most humangeous rocks in the ground in order to make a space for my mother to plant her roses. And I failed. Then she 'tack,tacked-away' at the dirt, and with a few slight moves, the rocks seemed to slip right out. They turned out not to be boulders but mere pebbles in comparison to the difficulty I had imagined. I guess I am just full of faith lately...*rolls eyes.* Similarly, on evenings such as this, when deadlines are about the only thing on my mind, I sit away dreaming up of what life could be, or what it
should be and at the end of the story...I'm still sitting in front of my neuroscience- and I've got nothing. Haven't learned a damn thing for I've been stuck on the same sentence for half and hour, nor have a made any breakthroughs in the meaning of my existence. It was at this point when I went searching for recipes. Clicking away I had now strayed far from the path and was onto beauty, jewelry, animals, words of wisdom, and finally, someone's link on "places to see before I die," and "If money was no object." There I came across this photo. Now, I don't know if it was the the water, the sunset, or the way I seemed to feel myself walking up the marble steps and into the light. Really, it's probably an average Caribbean destination photo to any other pair of eyes. But it just sucked me in for no particular reason. My spirit just walked into the scene in slow motion. Onto the ledge, body uncovered, yearning for the water before me. A lust for the horizon. And once everything got out of focus a little, I had a realization. It occurred to me, that the thing my spirit seems to cling to the most, is something that lies far beyond this life of mine. At least, it is something outside of my vivid imagination that carries me through the night as I sleep. Yes this was something apart from dreaming. Completely disconnected from those, "I want to be this, and I hope to do that," sensations. I want to say that my core felt this odd sense of relief in looking at this image, and possibly a slight yearning for salvation beyond life itself. I thought, here is a place I can go when all of this rush and fighting is over. I didn't hear a harmony of angels or see Jesus...I just felt this sensation of delight over being in a space of absolute quiet and purity. Somewhere to drown the lies and breathe in an un-polluted mist of free-flowing consciousness. And that is my ultimate dream really, I now realize. In this life and the next I guess. To surrender to those deeply-planted, yet-to-be discovered wishes and possibilities of my consciousness. To excavate those stones of my mind, as my mother did those rocks today. Perhaps they aren't hidden as deeply inside of me as I choose to believe.
Tomorrow Menu:
-Salmon, cream cheese and capers on a bagel
-Broiled, brown sugar-topped grapefruit halve
-Two eggs a top a tomato with seasoned herbs, baked to delight in a ramekin
-A morning kiss, because she is the best
-oh, and juice
