Ah...life.

There are several drafted posts I have meaning to edit and send out into the stratosphere...but I haven't. Maybe I will maybe I won't, but I'd much rather write and think optimistically, since that seems to be the real obstacle of it all. Truly, it's easy to complain and it feels good and don't get me wrong--haha...totally stealing that phrase from lady orchid--but anyway, complaints have their place. But now, at least for me, it's time to send those hard feelings down the river. I can never ever forget-mostly because I am a female. Sorry guys, we just don't ever forget anything. But I can certainly forgive and work towards greater understanding. The bitterness had been mostly to do with coming to terms with the fact that sometimes, you put your all your efforts into something or other people, and never get anything in return. Or even worse, you find that someone's capacity to give to you just simply runs out. That's honestly okay because it hurts, but it doesn't hurt forever. The only bad part, is that if enough let downs occur, you may become completely cynical. You come to a crossroads and begin asking yourself, "Why give at all?" Why do I care? Is this worth mending? I am not only speaking of certain friends. I am speeking of academic life, professors, doctors, people at the bank. As you grow older and simply have more shit to deal with, You soon learn that other people are equally caught up in their shit and are more often than not, unwilling to go the extra mile for anyone else. There is still hope though. You know why? Well for one, as the stream of positive and helpful resources begins to narrow, it becomes much easier to focus in on what really matters, and the people who are making the right impact on you right now. The other day I was in target. I was so completely out of it, probably caught up in these thoughts. There standing in line, an old friend walked up to me. I didn't even know it was him until he reached out to touch me. I normally spot a familiar face from miles away and react eagerly and happily. This time I didn't. It was so odd and unlike me. Me and this guy go back... he's a real good friend. He's hilarious and he listens. He may even know that I am speaking of him if he reads this. Pah...dear friend, I'm so sorry for not having reached out to grab you and smile in our chance meeting. That is what I should have done. You are rare and wonderful and I love seeing all the places you are going...watching your life as it unfolds. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I need to focus more on the good guys (and gals). The sounds, sights, and things that soothe me and add to me. The things that challenge me in productive ways. I've had a pretty high tolerance for b.s. throughout most of my existence. But again, as you realize that the people and things that are most worth having are so small and few, you just grab them with your hands and scooping them right out of the water, there isn't much room for anything else, and all the doesn't matter falls right through, and washes away down the stream. And that's okay. Its fine to let go of things. I am by no means saying that the past should be discarded. That's honestly impossible and pointless. You need the good and the bad of yesterday to figure out who you are today. Who knows, someone form the past may come back into your life, and things may resurface in an entirely new way. You should be open to that. I would hope that I can at least be open to so much. Who am I kidding, I know I am. While I do not forget how someone made me feel, especially if it was negative...I just as soon can be charmed by their goodness, again. As we move forward in our search for better things and good people, we should keep these things in mind I feel and find a sense of balance. We are becoming wiser and more knowlagable about the things that add to us, and we try to avoid those things that take a way. But hopefully, we don't get so caught up in running from ugliness and searching for truth that we loose faith all-together in that crazy world out there...because frankly, it's starting to scare the shit out of me. No, but in a good way. ;) love.